I am out of control!

I read long ago of a survey in which managers were asked what they wanted more of. The most popular response was “more autonomy”.  The second most popular response was “more control over others around me”. There probably is not much of a surprise even though they seem contradictory. Most of us want more control.  Control over the decisions of the company and our bosses.  Control over the government. The neighbors. The other drivers. Control over Everything. 

I get stressed when others are telling me how to do my job especially if I don’t think it is the best way. When my calendar gets full of others’ events leaving little time for me get done the things I need or want to do, I get irritated. Too much stuff on my table makes me feel as if my life gets spinning out of control.

The flipside isn’t much different.  When people don’t take my suggestions, it bothers me especially if it is going to affect my work.  When people do something that gets in my way, I get frustrated.  When my children do something I have told them a hundred times to do or not do and they go out and do the opposite, I want to pull my hair out.

However, I have been working on it lately.  The biggest thing that has helped is to recognize that I control nothing except how I feel and respond to others’ behaviors.  And also my role demands that I do what the job needs and not always what I may prefer. This is what spiritual guides call “acceptance”. How many times have I heard something like,”The wind has broken many a tree while the reed bends and survives the harshest of storms.” Or as the cowboy sensei might say,” It is easier to ride the horse the direction it is going.” Pithy AND wise!

A second realization is know that getting angry never helps.  And that goes for its cousins, resentment and indignation. Anger stinks up a room: people may not mention it but they sure know it is there.  Anger clouds thinking, prevents positive action, wastes time and makes us and others miserable.  And for those mature enough to reflect on their own attitudes and behaviors, it results in a hangover of shame.

Developing patience has been helpful to take the sting out of situations that aren’t turning out the way I want. It helps to view all things as connected and things unknown need to happen before other things fall into place.  Everything does not happen the way I want it to nor at my pace.  Sometimes the water gets muddied and no amount of effort will speed its settling. In these cases, it is best for me to ask myself if I have done all that I can on my part. Then let it go.

I don’t control anything but myself. Anger never helps. Patience.

I feel better already!

Meet Mr. Look-At-Me!

The Dalai Lama once observed that in all his travels, he could tell no difference in the happiness between those in richer countries and those in poorer countries.

One explanation might be something we all have in common as humans, our ego. Our ego plays an important role in our life. It is what allows a child to grow and gain independence. As the ego develops it forms our vision of “self”, that I am different from you.  It is what gives us an unconscious sense of incompleteness always driving us forward to seek more. It gives us drive and focus. Combined with intellect and creativity it can accomplish much. Think of Alexander the Great or Steve Jobs.

But left unchecked it is also a source of misery for ourselves and others.  The ego’s view is me versus you, us versus them.   This manifests itself all the way from status symbols and friendly sports rivalries to more vicious forms like racism, war and genocide. Think Hitler, Stalin, Bosnia, Rwanda.

For the ego, there is never enough. It is what drives us to seek more – more power, more material things, more of everything. It is the part of us that wants to control the world around us. It protects itself by evaluating events in our lives as threats or affirmations of our self-image. And whatever we have, we worry about losing it.  

Most of our unhappiness and destructive emotions stem from our ego – fear, hatred, greed, impatience, inferiority, arrogance, envy. It is that voice in our head telling us that we are not being treated like we should. Whenever we take offense, it is our ego talking to us.  And as one philosopher said, more harm has been done in the world by TAKING offense than whatever was intended by GIVING offense.

Although very influential, our ego is not the boss. Being aware of it and its ways are the first steps in bringing it under control.  When we get those feelings (e.g., anger), we can stop the story our ego is telling us (who does he think he is talking to me that way!) and focus on the emotion instead (I’m angry because I’m afraid of looking powerless). I have found this helps a lot in deflating the emotion and letting me move on.  I have even named my ego – Mr. Look-At-Me! – to help me keep it in perspective.  (You might want to find an appropriate name for yours.)

Preparing to pull away from the gate last week on a flight from Denver, the flight attendant told me to turn off my phone. Caught by surprise and wanting to get her off my back, I immediately put it in the seat pocket planning to turn it off later.  As soon as she sat down, I pulled out my phone and began to turn it off.  Immediately, I heard a woman’s loud and stern voice, “Sir, you were told to turn that off !  If you do not immediately comply, you can be removed from this flight!”  I quickly finished and looked across the aisle to see the perfect model of a self-righteous passenger.  Anger immediately replaced my embarrassment.  I thought, “I’m an expert flyer!  I’m not a child! Who the heck died and appointed her queen?”  The ego was off and running! 

Fortunately, I caught myself and asked instead,””Why is Mr. Look-At-Me! so irritated?”. I realized it wasn’t about her but instead my fear of looking stupid or weak. Immediately, my anger dissipated.  Even better, the next time something like this happens, maybe Mr. Look-At-Me! might not be so sensitive.

Love and courage!

I’ve had all kinds of scary nightmares.  I’ve been repeatedly washed away in floods, fallen off tall buildings, chased by all kinds of critters, been late for exams. And I’d had my share of embarrassing situations when I am the only one with no clothes. However, as I have grown older, I rarely am naked in my dreams anymore.  Instead, I am merely way underdressed.  (That must indicate progress of some kind).

The scariest nightmare I’ve ever had was one in which I was known to no one.  I had no one to love – no family, no friends, no memories of loved ones. And no one who loved me.  Not only scary, this was the saddest dream I have ever had.

So it’s appropriate we have a day to celebrate love. Love in fullest form – affection, friendship, romance and the greatest, unconditional love (caring regardless of circumstance).

Valentine’s Day (or as my daughters call it, Singles Awareness Day) traces back to the end of Golden Age of the Roman Empire when Rome was facing revolts and invasions on its European and Asian borders.  The Emperor, Claudius, needing a strong army and believing that families would be a distraction for soldiers, issued a very unpopular edict banning the marriage of soldiers.

Valentine was a Christian priest in Rome at the time.  Rather than comply with the edict, he continued to marry soldiers in secret ceremonies at night.  When Claudius learned of this, Valentine was arrested and brought before him. The Emperor was impressed with Valentine’s conviction and his refusal to comply. To spare his life, he gave Valentine the option of rejecting his faith and acknowledging the Roman gods who were the state’s official religion. He refused and was executed on February 14, 270 AD.

So in the last minute rush for that special card or gift (which are readily available at your nearest Walgreens), let’s remember that it was love AND courage that gave us this day.

If more decisions were made for love rather than fear and actions were more principle–based than convenience-based, the world would be a better place.  So here’s to love. And to courage.  Happy Valentine’s Day!

"The Descendants"

As I thought about this week’s blog, I didn’t dream I would be writing a movie review. But after seeing The Descendants, I have been unable think of anything more appropriate.  Whether you see it or not, the trailers for the movie are misleading.  You might have seen them with George Clooney running down the street in Hawaiian shirt, shorts and flip flops. Or flashing that million-dollar smile on an Hawaiian beach. It looks like a typical and charming comedy. It’s not.

Clooney plays the descendant of early settlers of Hawaii who oversees the family trust and its extensive landholdings throughout the islands. Like many busy fathers, he has left most of the child rearing to his wife.  The movie starts with him trying to cope with the reality of his fatally injured and comatose wife and the prospect of rearing his two daughters alone.  Before his wife is to be removed from life support and Clooney is preparing his family and friends, he learns that his wife was having an affair. The rest of the movie is what happens from there.

Boy, that sounds like a fun movie! I understand why the trailers were so cute if they wanted anyone to go see it. But for me, it was a moving and uplifting experience.

As the opening narrator, Clooney reminds us that Hawaii is not paradise and that people die of cancer there and families struggle just like everywhere else. And throughout the movie, there is nothing extraordinary in any of the situations or any of the characters.  I could imagine similar things happening everyday here.  However, in seeing how the characters respond to events and each other, we are shown wonders of this life:  redemption, forgiveness and compassion.  I am reminded that I don’t have to travel to faraway places to see marvelous things.  I just have to stop, look around me and pay attention.

At first encounter, the characters seem easy to put in a convenient box: the resentful father-in-law, the rebellious daughter, the goofy boyfriend.  But as the story unfolds, they become so much more than two-dimensional characters.  They serve as a reminder that as in real-life, everyone has a story. And in learning the story, I am ashamed of my prejudgments.

There were lots of reaffirming messages throughout but as the closing credits rolled, I recalled a saying that best summed it up for me: Be kind to all you meet, for each fights a great battle.