What makes us happy?

Over Thanksgiving, our daughter made us watch a movie on Netflix called “Happy”. It is a documentary that examines cultures across the world in terms of the level and source of happiness.  It features a rickshaw driver in India who speaks of his good fortune, and an aboriginal African tribe who lives off the barest of essentials yet has the highest “happiness” index of any culture that was studied.

In the movie, scientists who study “happiness” generally agreed that there are two types of goals that people seek: extrinsic and intrinsic.  Extrinsic goals relate to tangible things and can be seen: affluence, achievement and appearance.  Intrinsic goals are much more personal and less visible: personal growth, relationships and the desire to help others.  

Across the world, the results were consistent: rich or poor, those who actively engaged in pursuing intrinsic goals were happier than those who focused solely on extrinsic ones. What our parents have always told us has been confirmed by science: money can’t buy happiness. (And as the Beatles observed, it can’t buy me love either).

Relationships (goodwill, friends, family) and helping others (acts of kindness, charity, gift giving) are the universal themes of this season.  No wonder this is called the season of joy. 

On the news tonight there was a story about a New York policeman who came across a homeless man sitting on the sidewalk in Times Square.  The weather was freezing and the man did not even have shoes.  Rather than ignore him or shoo him away, the policeman walked into a nearby store and bought a pair of warm boots.  A passing tourist caught the policeman kneeling beside the man and helping him with his new boots.  The photo has been viewed over 300,000 times so far and the policeman has gotten a lot of media attention.  I am sure that his simple act of kindness gives him more joy than all the world’s adoration.

I don’t have a personal story like that to tell you. But I have been working on a way to make our seasonal giving more personal. Writing a check at the kitchen table and mailing it can be a little dry and detached.  This year we have decided to make it a family affair.

We are going to tell our children that we are going to give to the charity of their choice.  In exchange, we will sit down as a family and each of us will share which charity and why we selected it.  We will be reminded that we are fortunate to be together and to have this opportunity to share our bounty.

Relationships and helping others. Season of giving! Season of joy!

Season of hope or hassle?

Of all the seasons, summer and fall seem to pass by the fastest for different reasons.  Summer passes quickly because we hate to see it go.  Many of my friends even start to get depressed at the summer equinox in late June knowing that the days will start to grow shorter – and that the coming seasons bring an end to the fresh peaches and corn at the roadside stands, the trips to the local pool or lake, kids baseball or sitting out on the patio at night with friends.

Fall passes quickly for entirely differently reasons.  It’s as if a starting gun fires the day the kids go back to school.  We mentally pack away the frolic of summers and resume our normal and serious lives.  The brisk walk becomes a trot around Halloween.  At Thanksgiving, it becomes a full sprint to the end.

How many times have I found myself at Christmas Eve thinking, “I missed the season again this year!”  With all that is going on – working, shopping, making arrangements, traveling – it’s easy to miss the joy of it all.  Instead of “Goodwill toward all!” and a reminder of our common humanity and connections, it can turn out to be a season of hurry and hassle.

This year I’m working to have a great holiday season.  Sure, the demands of work will remain, but there’s time to squeeze in the things I need to do. I’ll make sure I don’t miss the “events” of the season: I’ll get tickets to our local choir concert and take our family to see the Christmas Carol and bring good spirit to the neighborhood Christmas party.

More importantly, when I see a person in a hurry or acting impatiently, I’ll try to wonder what must be going on in their life to make them so.  Or wonder if they have family and friends to love. When I find myself running behind or getting judgmental, maybe I’ll take the time to consciously count my blessings. I will try to remember many will be passing this season without a loved one for the first time. Maybe I can look for an opportunity to be generous and help someone out that I might not otherwise do.  

If I miss the season, I’ll be the one to blame. And I vow to occasionally pause so that I may see the joy and pain of this world around me and consider my place in it. I want to make this a season of connection, not of hurry.