"The Descendants"

As I thought about this week’s blog, I didn’t dream I would be writing a movie review. But after seeing The Descendants, I have been unable think of anything more appropriate.  Whether you see it or not, the trailers for the movie are misleading.  You might have seen them with George Clooney running down the street in Hawaiian shirt, shorts and flip flops. Or flashing that million-dollar smile on an Hawaiian beach. It looks like a typical and charming comedy. It’s not.

Clooney plays the descendant of early settlers of Hawaii who oversees the family trust and its extensive landholdings throughout the islands. Like many busy fathers, he has left most of the child rearing to his wife.  The movie starts with him trying to cope with the reality of his fatally injured and comatose wife and the prospect of rearing his two daughters alone.  Before his wife is to be removed from life support and Clooney is preparing his family and friends, he learns that his wife was having an affair. The rest of the movie is what happens from there.

Boy, that sounds like a fun movie! I understand why the trailers were so cute if they wanted anyone to go see it. But for me, it was a moving and uplifting experience.

As the opening narrator, Clooney reminds us that Hawaii is not paradise and that people die of cancer there and families struggle just like everywhere else. And throughout the movie, there is nothing extraordinary in any of the situations or any of the characters.  I could imagine similar things happening everyday here.  However, in seeing how the characters respond to events and each other, we are shown wonders of this life:  redemption, forgiveness and compassion.  I am reminded that I don’t have to travel to faraway places to see marvelous things.  I just have to stop, look around me and pay attention.

At first encounter, the characters seem easy to put in a convenient box: the resentful father-in-law, the rebellious daughter, the goofy boyfriend.  But as the story unfolds, they become so much more than two-dimensional characters.  They serve as a reminder that as in real-life, everyone has a story. And in learning the story, I am ashamed of my prejudgments.

There were lots of reaffirming messages throughout but as the closing credits rolled, I recalled a saying that best summed it up for me: Be kind to all you meet, for each fights a great battle. 

Three Tough Questions

My friend Allan Cox is an executive coach who works with CEOs across the United States. He often uses a set of questions to help clients look inward to discover what drives them and their successes. They’re based on Alfred Adler’s body of work in psychology, which asserts that each of us has an orderly view of the world, that our behavior is consistent with this world view and that that we have a central goal that aligns with it.  This goal is how we subconsciously define “success.” These beliefs guide our behavior throughout our lives. However, we’re only dimly aware of all this. These beliefs are only revealed through thoughtful introspection and honest appraisal.

The results aren’t necessarily good or bad, but they help us see ourselves more clearly.  There are no right answers or wrong answers.  For instance, one person may discover that an underlying belief is that all men are bad or that she is unworthy of a loyal spouse. Looking back she may see her choices of men and her behaviors confirm these views. And “success” is achieved by a failed relationship.

The good news is that after discovering our hidden agendas and goals, we’re able to make conscious choices about changing them.  Allan asks his clients to carefully consider the following questions and to answer them all using a total of 10 words or less:

1. I am a… (who am I?)
2. Life is… (what’s the life I’m living?)
3. My central goal is… (what’s pulling me forward?)

Although it sounds simple, I’ve found it harder than it seems. I can see how my answers to these questions have changed over the years as I’ve experienced life’s ups and downs. For instance, when I was 25, I would've answered the questions this way:

1. I am a character (I was witty, smart, charming and superficial. I acted to be memorable and different).
2. Life is surfing the waves (Some waves make you crash, but it mostly will turn out great! Let’s see what the day brings!).
3. My central goal is rising with the cream (I believed I was among the most talented, and it would be recognized along with a group of peers that would be my friends. I didn’t need to be king, but just one of several noblemen. Winning for recognition’s sake wasn't important).

Almost 40 years later, my answers have changed. And they will probably change again. Even now they help me make choices about the future:

1. I am a dreamer (I like creating things and solving problems. I am optimistic).
2. Life is sailing the ocean (The wind comes and goes – sometimes ferociously, sometimes gently. The waves are seen, but the currents are not.  There are only destinations in sailing, not schedules. Sometimes the crew matters in terms of skill and temperament, but I may need them or not at times. I can’t choose the wind or waves, but I can control your sails and direction.  I don’t know how long a storm will last, but I know the sun will shine. And what I expect when I make landfall may not be what I find.  There are so many places to choose from and I don’t have time to make them all).
3. My central goal is to be a steward worthy of my gifts (At this point, I have a certain amount of security and can look beyond the immediate needs of my family. How best do I use my intellect, experience and voice along with the power I’m entrusted with to serve? Can I find the sweet spot between what I might be able to do and what I’m brave enough to try?).

Lest these seem lofty and admirable, they aren’t meant to be. It’s easy for me to see the negative aspects and consequences of my answers. But for now, that’s okay, too.

The wonder, challenge and opportunity comes from discovering our own answers. Good luck!