Happy New Year!

I used to make resolutions for the new year but haven’t for a while.  It is probably because they were too lofty or took too long to achieve like becoming ripped (hey, I’m an optimist!). 

Calling upon my many unsuccessful attempts to quit smoking, I realized it was too daunting to imagine quitting for life. And each time I started after having stopped for weeks and sometimes months, it was because I thought I had it licked and could only smoke occasionally.  Once in college, I quit and then started back up with the resolution that I would only smoke when I drank.  I finally gave up on this when I found myself going to class drunk. The last time I tried quitting I decided that I had to only quit for the next five minutes and if I smoked one, I would be right back where I started.  This has worked for the last 30 years. So far.

So this year I have decided to not to make resolutions for the entire year.  Instead I will make them for just today.  Here they are:

Today I will:

1.    Not complain

2.    Smile when I enter a room of people or greet someone.

3.    Thank somebody for something specific

4.    Help someone

5.    Do something I am proud of

6.    Not to go to bed angry

7.    Make sure my wife and children know that I love them.

8.    Read this list everyday.

Wish me luck.  And Happy New Year!!

And good will toward all!

If there is a unifying theme of the season, I think most would agree that “Peace on Earth, good will toward all” is a good one regardless of faith or belief.  In the rush of all the hustle and bustle, it gives me pause to consider our world around us. I realize that the only things that distinguish the life I lead from ANYONE else’s in this world are the circumstances of my birth (when, where and my parents) and a few key decisions I have made (and most of those I didn’t think that much about at the time). For these, I am both grateful and fortunate.

Can I appreciate that no matter how different we seem to be, we share so much more? Can I suspend my selfish judgment to see a part of me in that impatient customer, the panhandler on the street, the mother in the barrio, the family in a hut in a distant land and that person who just cut me off in traffic?

“Good will to all” reminds me to open my eyes to those around me and to those far away and to recognize that we all seek happiness and avoidance of pain. Am I moved to respond?  Will I share my time or treasure? 

Hopefully, “good will” is more than the warm feeling brought to mind when a cup of eggnog is lifted in a seasonal toast. It is our ACTIONS that bring it to life.  It is what puts the “good” into “good will toward all”.  It is what every parent is reminded of as they watch their children’s delight on Christmas morning: there is more joy in the giving than in the receiving.

May the season bring you joy and hope.

The best $20 I ever spent

Once about this time of year, my wife and I were driving through the a “rough” part of town when we stopped to get some gas and add some air to our tires. Kay got out of the car first and was starting to check the tires when a skinny man in his 20s came over to her and asked if he could help her. Then I got out and the man said to me, “Can I do that for you?”  I said “No thanks, I got it” as I bent down with tire gauge.

Rather than leave, he squatted down in place and watched me go about my business.  After a moment he quietly said “Will you help me get something to eat?”

I rose and looked at him and asked, “What did you have in mind?”

“Where would you be comfortable driving me?” he said.

“Well, there’s a McDonald’s across the street,” I said, and pulled out my wallet.

I figured I’d give him $5 and send him on his way. But when I opened my wallet, I saw that all I had was a $20. I thought I sure wouldn’t want to be out on a cold night hanging around a gas station asking for money. So I handed over the $20 expecting nothing in return except maybe a mumbled  “Thank you”.

As he took the bill from my hand, his whole face lit up in pure joy. He grabbed me and hugged me.  Although I was a little taken back by the hug, I was struck by how something so small could mean so much. You’d have thought he’d won the lottery. The saying about a crumb from one person’s table is often the feast for another is true.

May every day be Thanksgiving

My wife told me this morning that Thanksgiving is her favorite holiday. When I asked her why, she said it has all the joy and none of the stress and work of Christmas. (She reminded that women bear most of the burden of preparing for Christmas.) I think Thanksgiving is mine, too, because I like the idea of having a day to remind us that gratitude is the center of a fulfilled life.

We all know people who always seem to be happy.  It’s not that their lives are without problems; it’s that they are not overwhelmed by them.  And we know people who never seem to be happy.  When I think of these folks, it seems like “thank you” and “I’m sorry” aren’t a big part of their vocabulary.  So what’s the biggest difference between the two groups?  The common trait amongst the “happy” ones is that they exude an overall sense of gratitude.

Philosophers and scientists agree.  All good things come from an attitude of gratitude. It is the single most important predictor of “happiness” as measured by a sense of well-being, less stress, ability to handle problems, not blaming others and themselves, contentedness, and most likely lead to acts of cooperation, kindness and generosity. In short, gratitude is the champagne of emotions.

Having a sense of gratitude is the center of most religions.  As a child I thought it was because God demanded it (which confused me in that why would an all-powerful god need compliments?)  I have realized that I missed the point – my gratitude is a gift to me!

Lucky for us, there are ways to develop gratitude.  In a study, scientists determined the quickest way and most intense spike in “happiness” came from a “gratitude visit” which involved writing and delivering a letter of gratitude to someone.  A more lasting impact was found by having participants keep a journal each day of three things that they are grateful for and  to try to avoid repetition.  The “happiness” scores peaked at about six months and many participants continued on their own.

So I guess there is a lot of wisdom in “counting our blessings”.  Here’s one sure way that helps me realize I have so much more to be grateful for: prepare a paper with two columns.  Title the left column “Things I have but don’t want” (e.g. this ugly mole on my forehead) and the right one “Things I don’t have that I don’t want” (e.g., an ugly cancerous mole on my forehead!).  The right column is a lot longer and worse than the left one.

May you and yours have a joyous and grateful Thanksgiving!

The back end of the shovel

My first ever summertime job was digging ditches. It was a great job: working with grownups, making $1.00 an hour, working shirtless outside in the Texas sun and getting a fantastic tan (we didn’t know about UVA or UVB, melanoma or looking like a prune when you’re 50!).

I learned a lot that summer. I learned about the honor in work, the satisfaction of a job well done, the way men talked around each other, the different ways the “new kid” is treated (ignored, hazed or mentored) and the simple joy of quitting time (and payday).  

One day while digging, I noticed the foreman standing over to the side watching me.  Wanting to impress the boss, I began to dig like a demon.  My arms were flailing and I soon became surrounded in a cloud of dust. 

As I paused to regain my breath, the foreman, Bob, ambled over and said, “Randy, you’re really working hard, but you haven’t dug much of a hole for all the effort you’ve put in. You’re in so much of a hurry that you’re only filling up the front-end of the shovel. If you would slow down and focus on filling the BACK end of the shovel, the front end will take care of itself.”

Every time I find myself getting caught up in things, I’m reminded of these wise words. If I want good performance, I need to focus instead on the people who will deliver the results. That is, I need to focus on making them successful rather than hammering them on “the numbers.”  If I want people to treat our customers and each other with respect, I need to set a model for them by treating them and everyone else with respect. If I’m worried about what might happen in the future, I need to do something today that will prevent it. Or if I have no control, I shouldn’t waste time by stressing and worrying about it.

Bob had no idea of the lesson he taught me that day. If he would have known that he was going to be quoted 40 years later, he probably would have been more succinct and used an earthy Texas axiom: It’s easier to clean up after the dog than to keep swatting flies.

Don Corleone’s advice to Michael

I read “The Godfather” long before it launched one of the most successful movie franchises of all time.  Much of the dialogue that was in the book was in the first movie and has become part of the our American lexicon like “make an offer he can’t refuse” , “he sleeps with the fishes” or “revenge is a dish that tastes best when served cold”. One phrase that didn’t make it into the movie was Don Corleone’s advice to his son, Michael: “It is better than your enemies overestimate your weaknesses and your friends underestimate your strengths.”

As a young man, I readily understood the “enemies” part of the advice given the situation that Don Corleone and Michael were in facing a mob war.  And it is probably generally good advice if you are a crime boss always looking over your shoulder.

The second part about it being preferable that your friends underestimate your strengths was not so clear to me.  However, as I look back over the years I have found this part to be more useful and insightful.  If our friends have underestimated our strengths when they call upon them, they will likely be pleasantly surprised and we will never disappoint them. Our relationship will grow even stronger especially when things like trustworthiness, helpfulness, kindness, graciousness, integrity and generosity are called for.  On the other hand, there is nothing more harmful to a relationship than a disappointment  or a breach of trust. Some relationships don’t recover.

May your friends and all those important to you underestimate your strengths.