Don Corleone’s advice to Michael

I read “The Godfather” long before it launched one of the most successful movie franchises of all time.  Much of the dialogue that was in the book was in the first movie and has become part of the our American lexicon like “make an offer he can’t refuse” , “he sleeps with the fishes” or “revenge is a dish that tastes best when served cold”. One phrase that didn’t make it into the movie was Don Corleone’s advice to his son, Michael: “It is better than your enemies overestimate your weaknesses and your friends underestimate your strengths.”

As a young man, I readily understood the “enemies” part of the advice given the situation that Don Corleone and Michael were in facing a mob war.  And it is probably generally good advice if you are a crime boss always looking over your shoulder.

The second part about it being preferable that your friends underestimate your strengths was not so clear to me.  However, as I look back over the years I have found this part to be more useful and insightful.  If our friends have underestimated our strengths when they call upon them, they will likely be pleasantly surprised and we will never disappoint them. Our relationship will grow even stronger especially when things like trustworthiness, helpfulness, kindness, graciousness, integrity and generosity are called for.  On the other hand, there is nothing more harmful to a relationship than a disappointment  or a breach of trust. Some relationships don’t recover.

May your friends and all those important to you underestimate your strengths.

Vanity and fear

In response to my Sept. 22 blog about the most common mistakes managers make, there were a lot of requests for the "top ten" list that I mentioned. Rather than rely on just one article, I did some research among a variety of different sources to see if there's a consensus around the most common bad traits of managers. I searched for "bad bosses," which returned millions of references -- it seems bad bosses don't limit themselves to just ten bad behaviors.

The list seemed limitless: negativity...withholding information...speaking in anger...putting down others...ignoring people...playing favorites...sarcastic...refusing to apologize...critiquing others...needing to be the "smartest"...failing to give recognition...claiming credit...making excuses...commenting destructively...clinging to the past...not listening...failing to express gratitude...punishing the messenger...passing the buck...control freak...loves "brown-nosers"...taking credit for others' work...changing deadlines or directions frequently...bullying...breaking promises...procrastinating...over-delegating.

I'm sure you can add ten others.

As I thought about these behaviors and my own bad moments, I noticed most are rooted in one of two underlying causes. The first is vanity, the focus on the self to the exclusion of others: I'm smarter...I'm more important...my priorities come first...my thinking is clearer...I'm more deserving than others...my knowledge is more extensive...I'm more dedicated.

And then there's vanity's flipside: fear. Fear that I'll fail...fear that I'll look bad...fear that I'll lose power or position...fear that I won't be heard or appreciated...fear that I'll be ignored or forgotten...fear of not being respected...fear that I'll be found out for the fraud that I am.

It's easy to see vanity or fear reflected in the specific bad behaviors mentioned above. They sit patiently and quietly, but they're always there. Acknowledging them and knowing how they raise their ugly heads in our attitudes, decisions and behaviors are the first steps in controlling them. It's a lifelong struggle for most of us. While my best side may not always prevail, I just hope it does more than it used to.