Our Blind Spots

Last winter, Marshall Goldsmith, the author of “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There” (recently recommended by Kermit on Greg’s blog) came to talk to us about improving our effectiveness.  The premise of his book is that the easiest way to increase our effectiveness is to stop doing things that get in the way rather than to try to learn a whole new set of behaviors.

The top of the list was the amount of time everyone would free up if they just stopped complaining about others or bragging on themselves.  He included other behaviors that we would be better off without:

1.   The need to win in every situation whether or not it is important

2.   Adding our two cents to every discussion

3.   Judging others according to “our” standards

4.   Needless sarcastic and cutting remarks to make us look witty

5.   Starting with “No”, “But” or “However” which is code for “I’m right, you”re wrong”

6.   Showing the world how smart we are

7.   Speaking when we are angry

8.  “Let me show you how that won’t work” even when we are not asked

9.   Making excuses for our annoying behaviors or worse:

10. Exalting our bad behaviors as virtues because they’re “who we are”

11. Blaming everyone but ourselves

As we read through the list, our first thoughts are likely about how we’ve seen these in others. However, most of us will admit to some of these ourselves.  A few will admit they are a problem for us. Even still fewer will do something about it. And even if we do, others around us are slow to notice the change.  To expedite the process, he suggested that we pick a behavior we’d like to drop, tell those around us that we are working on it and that we would pay them $5 every time they noticed us doing it again.

As an example, he told us that any person in the room who made a negative or sarcastic comment or started with “however” or “but” would have to throw $5 into the kitty for charity. Even though we were forewarned, we ended up with over $300 on the table.

This may be an indication that we are slow learners. More likely, our habits are so ingrained that we are unaware of them.  Although painful to hear it sometimes, we are fortunate to have people around who care for us enough to point out our rough edges. To my spouse, my friends and the occasional stranger who pointed out when I was being a jerk, thank you. To all those who didn’t, I wish you had and I apologize for my poor behavior.  And to those around me now, please do. I need your help.

Different glasses, different views

I remember hearing a story about an old man who lived on the main road at the edge of town.  As he went about his work in his garden, he was often the first townsperson a visitor would encounter. 

One day a visitor stopped on his way to town and asked what were the people like here. The old man responded, “Depends, I suppose.  What were they like where you came from?”

“You couldn’t ask for better”, said the visitor. ”People were welcoming and helpful. Some would go out of their way to make you feel part of the community.  And if you ever needed a hand, folks would pitch in. Some became my best friends.”

The old man smiled and said, “Well, you’ll find the people here are just like that, too.”

Later that same day another visitor spotted him in the garden and happened to ask him about the town folks. The old man said, “Depends, I suppose.  What were they like where you came from?”

“Well, they pretty much kept to themselves”, the visitor said. “As a matter of fact, they weren’t very friendly at all and it was hard to fit in. I never really was able to get close to anyone.”

The old man nodded sympathetically and said, “Well, you’ll find the people here are just like that, too.”

Each of us sees the world through our own set of glasses.  Too many times we see what we expect to see and not the underlying reality.  Our life experiences and biases, good or bad, form a filter through which we interpret all that we take in - our encounters, relationships, and situations. They shape our beliefs, values and expectations. We all do this.  It is part of being human.

The problem occurs if we unaware or choose to ignore this basic truth about ourselves and assume everyone else has the same glasses. This leads to disappointment. Worse, when others act differently than we would, it is easy to develop an “I’m right, they are wrong” attitude.  We can see this played out everyday – in our private lives, at work, in our country and between countries.

So the next time, someone does something that is completely different than the way I would, I need to remind myself of this.  It helps reduce the surprise or hurt or anger.  Even better, if I try to figure out what the world looks through their glasses, I might find that my view of the world has gotten much richer for it.