Three Tough Questions

My friend Allan Cox is an executive coach who works with CEOs across the United States. He often uses a set of questions to help clients look inward to discover what drives them and their successes. They’re based on Alfred Adler’s body of work in psychology, which asserts that each of us has an orderly view of the world, that our behavior is consistent with this world view and that that we have a central goal that aligns with it.  This goal is how we subconsciously define “success.” These beliefs guide our behavior throughout our lives. However, we’re only dimly aware of all this. These beliefs are only revealed through thoughtful introspection and honest appraisal.

The results aren’t necessarily good or bad, but they help us see ourselves more clearly.  There are no right answers or wrong answers.  For instance, one person may discover that an underlying belief is that all men are bad or that she is unworthy of a loyal spouse. Looking back she may see her choices of men and her behaviors confirm these views. And “success” is achieved by a failed relationship.

The good news is that after discovering our hidden agendas and goals, we’re able to make conscious choices about changing them.  Allan asks his clients to carefully consider the following questions and to answer them all using a total of 10 words or less:

1. I am a… (who am I?)
2. Life is… (what’s the life I’m living?)
3. My central goal is… (what’s pulling me forward?)

Although it sounds simple, I’ve found it harder than it seems. I can see how my answers to these questions have changed over the years as I’ve experienced life’s ups and downs. For instance, when I was 25, I would've answered the questions this way:

1. I am a character (I was witty, smart, charming and superficial. I acted to be memorable and different).
2. Life is surfing the waves (Some waves make you crash, but it mostly will turn out great! Let’s see what the day brings!).
3. My central goal is rising with the cream (I believed I was among the most talented, and it would be recognized along with a group of peers that would be my friends. I didn’t need to be king, but just one of several noblemen. Winning for recognition’s sake wasn't important).

Almost 40 years later, my answers have changed. And they will probably change again. Even now they help me make choices about the future:

1. I am a dreamer (I like creating things and solving problems. I am optimistic).
2. Life is sailing the ocean (The wind comes and goes – sometimes ferociously, sometimes gently. The waves are seen, but the currents are not.  There are only destinations in sailing, not schedules. Sometimes the crew matters in terms of skill and temperament, but I may need them or not at times. I can’t choose the wind or waves, but I can control your sails and direction.  I don’t know how long a storm will last, but I know the sun will shine. And what I expect when I make landfall may not be what I find.  There are so many places to choose from and I don’t have time to make them all).
3. My central goal is to be a steward worthy of my gifts (At this point, I have a certain amount of security and can look beyond the immediate needs of my family. How best do I use my intellect, experience and voice along with the power I’m entrusted with to serve? Can I find the sweet spot between what I might be able to do and what I’m brave enough to try?).

Lest these seem lofty and admirable, they aren’t meant to be. It’s easy for me to see the negative aspects and consequences of my answers. But for now, that’s okay, too.

The wonder, challenge and opportunity comes from discovering our own answers. Good luck!