Meet Mr. Look-At-Me!

The Dalai Lama once observed that in all his travels, he could tell no difference in the happiness between those in richer countries and those in poorer countries.

One explanation might be something we all have in common as humans, our ego. Our ego plays an important role in our life. It is what allows a child to grow and gain independence. As the ego develops it forms our vision of “self”, that I am different from you.  It is what gives us an unconscious sense of incompleteness always driving us forward to seek more. It gives us drive and focus. Combined with intellect and creativity it can accomplish much. Think of Alexander the Great or Steve Jobs.

But left unchecked it is also a source of misery for ourselves and others.  The ego’s view is me versus you, us versus them.   This manifests itself all the way from status symbols and friendly sports rivalries to more vicious forms like racism, war and genocide. Think Hitler, Stalin, Bosnia, Rwanda.

For the ego, there is never enough. It is what drives us to seek more – more power, more material things, more of everything. It is the part of us that wants to control the world around us. It protects itself by evaluating events in our lives as threats or affirmations of our self-image. And whatever we have, we worry about losing it.  

Most of our unhappiness and destructive emotions stem from our ego – fear, hatred, greed, impatience, inferiority, arrogance, envy. It is that voice in our head telling us that we are not being treated like we should. Whenever we take offense, it is our ego talking to us.  And as one philosopher said, more harm has been done in the world by TAKING offense than whatever was intended by GIVING offense.

Although very influential, our ego is not the boss. Being aware of it and its ways are the first steps in bringing it under control.  When we get those feelings (e.g., anger), we can stop the story our ego is telling us (who does he think he is talking to me that way!) and focus on the emotion instead (I’m angry because I’m afraid of looking powerless). I have found this helps a lot in deflating the emotion and letting me move on.  I have even named my ego – Mr. Look-At-Me! – to help me keep it in perspective.  (You might want to find an appropriate name for yours.)

Preparing to pull away from the gate last week on a flight from Denver, the flight attendant told me to turn off my phone. Caught by surprise and wanting to get her off my back, I immediately put it in the seat pocket planning to turn it off later.  As soon as she sat down, I pulled out my phone and began to turn it off.  Immediately, I heard a woman’s loud and stern voice, “Sir, you were told to turn that off !  If you do not immediately comply, you can be removed from this flight!”  I quickly finished and looked across the aisle to see the perfect model of a self-righteous passenger.  Anger immediately replaced my embarrassment.  I thought, “I’m an expert flyer!  I’m not a child! Who the heck died and appointed her queen?”  The ego was off and running! 

Fortunately, I caught myself and asked instead,””Why is Mr. Look-At-Me! so irritated?”. I realized it wasn’t about her but instead my fear of looking stupid or weak. Immediately, my anger dissipated.  Even better, the next time something like this happens, maybe Mr. Look-At-Me! might not be so sensitive.