What we mean to each other

My friend, Jim, called me last week and he told me he is stopping the treatment of his cancer and switching to home-administered hospice care.  Most would not even have known he has been fighting it for ten years.  He has never made a big deal of it and probably told people that he doesn't want to burden people with his problems about it.

Although we have worked together professionally over these years, he also has become a close personal friend.  I am proud to be considered his friend.  Aside from our working relationship, some of the best laughter has come in our times together.  Now our connection is only personal and means much to me.  I will miss his wisdom – not just knowing things, but knowing what is true – his gentleness and his counsel. 

Those of us who remain often miss the chance to say what someone means to us before they are gone, whether it be from the job, from our lives or from this world.  I wish I had told people what they meant to me but never had the chance to.  We never know for sure if we make a difference. And the greatest satisfaction comes from believing that we do.

After the news, we met and talked openly about our friendship – of how we have impacted each other, what we admired, what we will miss.  Oddly, the most rewarding part of the conversation was not hearing what I meant to him; it was telling him what he means to me.  It was if it were all bottled up inside and needed to get out. Expressing unconditional gratitude and acknowledging our human connection are amongst our greatest gifts.  And the greatest joy is in the giving, not the receiving. Thank goodness I did not let my tendency to avoid painful topics cause me to miss the moment.

The facts are what they are and to avoid them for "social convention" would be to deny reality around the most focused part of our lives – when we’re about to leave this earthly world behind– those we love and who loves us, our friends, our work. 

I went to a meeting once about "dealing with the death of a loved one".  Surprisingly, the teaching started with dealing with our own death and how we would like to be treated. It made me consider what would be meaningful to me in that situation: honesty and compassion without platitudes. How different it would be, were it like that always.